The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

I saw The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug at a midnight showing last Thursday, because I refuse to accept that being almost 30 makes going to late movies on work nights way harder than it used to be. I should have reviewed this on Friday. I was too tired to. I am fucking old.

Gandalf seems pretty dubious about this whole thing.

The Hobbit (book version) is shorter than any single volume of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You don't need three 3 hour movies to unwind Bilbo's ring finding adventure. It's a two movie story, max. Two movies, though, make fewer DOLLARS than three, because stamping LOTR on anything is pretty much a license to print money. Thus, we were treated to a pretty severe snoozefest with The Hobbit last winter. I feared the same for Desolation. And then the first two hours *blew my mind*.

For 110 of it's 161 minutes, Desolation rolls really, really hard. Thorin and Bilbo and the boys cross swords with orcs and elves and spiders and a giant bear guy, and it works. Is it LOTR caliber? No, but the unfortunate reality is that The Hobbit, even in it's finest moments, lacks the weight of the ring trilogy. A movie can only be as good as it's source material.

Part of my initial "this is gonna be boring" anxiety stemmed from reports that Peter Jackson & co were inventing new content (lets get Legolas in here!) and characters (foxy new characters!) to stretch out Desolation. And while the additions aren't canon, they are fun. Displays of elvish badassery are always good for spicing up a dwarven adventure. 

And then...the last 51 minutes. Ugh. They're not bad, exactly. But they're bloated. Bilbo and the dwarves entire encounter with Smaug (pronounced "Smowg" and voiced by Bennedict Cumberbatch making him Hollywood's sexiest dragon to date), stretches forever and cuts at the exact moment it was set to get interesting. Maddening, but such is the price of turning two movies into three. Stupid Hollywood and it's perfectly understandable desire to make cash dollars. I DEMAND TO BE BETTER ENTERTAINED.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is better than it's predecessor. It's still not as good as the original trilogy, but then few things are. I'll take it.

Directed By: Peter Jackson

Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian Mckellen, Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly (seriously. best elf.), Richard Armitage, Benedict Cumberbatch

You Should see it if: You've seen the other ones. It'll be pretty confusing if you haven't.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

I was pretty "meh" about The Hunger Games last year. I hadn't read the books, I wasn't in love with Jennifer Lawrence yet (that would come with Silver Linings Playbook), and I thought it was pretty stupid that a character who earned his living making bread was named after bread. Couple that with a raging hangover on the first viewing, and I came out with heaping portions of "don't give a shit about this movie." These games, though. These games are straight starving, ya'll.

Too much sexy for one wet suit.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is 146 minutes long, and 142 of those minutes are awesome. Set in the year following the games (SPOILERS) Catniss and Peeta won, Catching Fire focuses less on the actual Hunger Games (focal point of the original) and more on how junky a place the world of the story is for anyone who doesn't live in the Capitol district. It is way more baller to be the oppressor than the oppressed, guys.

Even at the breakneck pace Catching Fire moves, it still feels like a fuller, richer text than the original flick. The funny stuff is funnier, the sad stuff is sadder, and the gaming arena (once you finally get there) is way more badass. But what really makes this movie so good is the way it portrays a world on the edge of revolution without hammering that point in your face. The tension, save for a few scenes, rises quietly through the movie, like white noise on which the volume is slowly being turned up. 

That tension couples with intellectual weight, too. Any film that can play so deftly with the idea of it's main character as symbol (the government wants Catniss to be a symbol of their benevolence; the oppressed peoples of the earth want her as a talisman of revolution; her struggle between going with her heart/gut versus pragmatism is itself a reflection of a breaking world) makes the snooty 19 year-old film major in me get all tingly. A movie that can do so while spooling out a legitimately romantic action thriller is a rare breed. Catching Fire is just such an animal. 

The only flaw is the abruptness with which the movie ends, and some weird CGI that happens to lead off Catching Fire's closing credits (it's so distractingly silly that it bears mentioning even though it's not technically part of the movie). I get that this is part of 2 of 4, but man, denouement much? The movie essentially throws it's audience off a cliff and cuts to black, and I crave satisfaction, dammit. 

Really, though, see this movie. It's so good, and it's got a little something for everyone that likes movies and/or fun. The odds are ever in Catching Fire's favor for bossness.

Directed By: Francis Lawrence (who has seriously raised his game since direction mid-2000s shitfests like I Am Legend)

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Banks, super evil Donald Sutherland

You Should see it if: You like movies. Or have eyes. 

Thor: The Dark World

Man, I've really gotta break this pattern of reviewing movies a week after they're released. I blame the doldrums between horror season and the holiday Oscar/Baby Blockbuster push; it's hard to get fired up to go to the movies when you're staring down the likes of Last Vegas and Free Birds (tag line: Hang onto your Nuggets!). I crave man-sized action flicks AT ALL TIMES, and the winter's lean on that front. Fortunately, Marvel Studios stepped up this month to deliver some explosions/space combat, of the most handsome variety.

Your personal God of Thunder, ladies. 

None of the post Iron Man Marvel movies have been bad. Some have been excellent. Others have been serviceable to OK fluff. Thor: The Dark World  is definitely in the latter category. Watching it is like eating a reasonably sized bag of Doritos: it's fun (without crossing into mind blowing) as long as you don't think too hard about it. 

If all you're paying attention to is the cheesy, crunchy goodness, then you'll enjoy a few better than average battle sequences (Heimdall stabs a spaceship to *death*!), looking at all the pretty people (which Thor movies are chock full of), and more than a couple of decent jokes, because Loki is fucking sassy, you guys. It'll be a fine time.

If you're inclined to dig a little deeper, you might notice the movie's borderline total irrelevance in the Marvel Universe's overall plot progression, which is firmly at the center of The Avengers and the Captain America movies, or the writing, which is staggeringly lazy in a few spots. I accept that some convenience is required to make a movie work. I do not accept that if you transport yourself to a (supposedly random) point on an alien planet, and that planet has one spot of dimensional convergence with Earth, that will you just happen to stumble into the exact cave said spot exists in. You'll understand this complaint if you see the movie.

In the end, though, the dumb doesn't really detract from Thor: The Dark World. It's still pretty and a ton of fun. You just can't expect too much from it. It has a job to do, and it does it well, but in terms of cinematic weight, it's near the bottom of the Marvel cannon, which still makes it a lot better than any new Superman movie.

Directed By: Alan "I did 6 episodes of motherfucking Game of Thrones which is really all you need to know about me" Taylor

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Nathalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Hannible Lecter

You Should see it if: $5-$10 is not a big deal to you and you wanna see Thor wreck some face. Or think he's sexy.

Ender's Game: Kids in Space

I am not a member of the Ender's Game  cult. I remember reading it, and liking it OK, but it didn't stick with me the way a Dune or a Snowcrash did (both of which you should read, right now. Especially Dune. DO IT). The bummer elements of the novel didn't jive with how rad twelve-year-old James thought space combat was. Consider the aliens' feelings? Fuck that noise.

Major.

For those of you unfamiliar with the novel, Ender's Game is about a bunch of highly talented kids recruited to command earth's military in the final stages of an alien war because, very simply, they're better at commanding than grownups. There's more nuance than that which you can learn all about by reading the book if you're so inclined. Just remember- kids. aliens. space battles.

Because I was pretty "meh" about the novel, it was with an overwhelming sense of "meh" that I approached Alamo Village last night, and it lingered. Through the whole movie. Through all of Ender's intense training. All the little kid fist fights. All of Harrison Ford's scowls and Ben Kingsley's face tats. I didn't have a bad time; it's always nice to drink a frosty cold diet coke in the dark. I just didn't have a good time, either.

The biggest problem with Ender's Game cinema version is the pacing. I may not have loved the book, but I do respect it. It asks some pretty heavy questions about the morals of war, understanding your enemy's position, and exploiting the few for the good of the many, especially for a YA novel. The psychological strain Ender and his cohorts endure is brutal, and you feel as much intensely in the book. That gets lost in the movie, which replaces the novel's cerebral weirdness with battle training montages. What that distills to is an OK science fiction movie. Not a great one. Probably not one you should spend money on. Just an OK one. 

I fully acknowledge that I've just written a "The Book is Better than the Movie" review, which you're welcome to call me out on. Just know I already hate myself a little for it. 

...this will probably be the only time I ever complain about battle montages.

Directed By: Gavin Hood (otherwise known as the man who managed to steal this gay bashing asshole's crown for directing the worst X-Men movie! Impressive work, you hack.)

Starring: Asa Butterfield, Harrison Ford, Ben Kingsley, Viola Davis, the bad-ass girl from True Grit, and Little Miss Sunshine. 

You Should see it if: You're bored and/or you're a fan of the books. If they make a movie out of a book you love, even a bad one, you should see it, just to feel righteous about how much better you could have made the movie. LOOKING AT YOU, DREAMCATCHER.

Machete Kills: Not an Actual Movie

Developing a high tolerance for nonsense movies will improve your life. If you can find the rowdy, visceral joy in cinematic dumpster fires, your entertainment options expand drastically. This is a position I hold firm to, and while it has cost me significant amounts of money through the years (paid good American dollars to see Shutter in theaters), I have seen, and greatly enjoyed, many, many bad movies. So when I tell you that Machete Kills is a borderline unwatchable fuck-fest, you should trust me.

Or you could just let this poster tell you everything you need to know.

Machete Kills is the follow-up to 2010's Machete, a blood stained, sex laden romp through the issues (immigration, cartel activity) that currently define the U.S./Mexico border. It's an absurdest take on some very serious material, and if you bother to look beneath the epic kills (and there are some *epic kills*) and naked ladies, you'll find a story there. You might even find a message. Machete Kills contains neither of those things.

What it does contain are nearly identical ingredients, which is to say lots of sex and violence. Danny Trejo  returns as the titular federale, tasked with saving the United States from a Mexican mad man named Mendez who has a stolen nuclear warhead pointed at Washington, D.C. In order to do so, Machete must capture and deliver Mendez, played by Demien Bichir, to the U.S. border. His preferred method of doing so is to kill everything in his path. Weapons Machete murders with in Machete Kills include (but are not limited to): a machete, a meat cleaver, a speed boat, a helicopter (twice), a spear gun, and his bare hands. This movie has many weaknesses; a body count is not one of them.

Filling out the LADIES portion of Machete Kills are Michelle Rodriguez, Amber Heard (as I've previously stated, the hottest woman on the g.d. planet), Sofia Vergara, Lady Gaga, and Vanessa Hudgens. More good looking women might be the lone improvement Machete Kills makes on its predecessor, which is hugely disappointing. This is a movie that wants to be a B-movie. It aspires to do no more than entertain on the basest of levels. How do you fuck that up, Robert???

Part of the problem is the run time. Machete Kills overstays it's welcome at 107 minutes. Another significant misstep is the addition of a science fiction element, (Machete Kills Again...In Space! is in development to complete the trilogy) which it totally did not need. Machete's cinematic methods were not sophisticated, but they were highly effective. Machete Kills convolutes the formula set by it's predecessor, careening the joyful absurdity that defined it into a nigh-unwatchable train wreck. It is the hardest of bummers.

I understand why Robert Rodriguez made Machete Kills the way he did. Sequels must try to top their predecessors, and when you're predecessor is the pitch-perfect whirl of action that was Machete, it is going to be hard not to push things too far the second time around. But Machete Kills could have--should have--been much better. The effort was there. The execution wasn't. 

Directed By: Robert Rodriguez

Starring: Danny Trejo, Carlos Estevez, Mel Gibson, Demien Bichir, Michelle Rodriguez, Amber Heard, Sofia Vergara

You Should see it if: You really, reeeeeeeeeeeeally liked Shoot 'Em Up. 

October(Horror)Fest!

Oh man. I love October. I acknowledge I'm probably more into getting festive than your average straight 29 year-old male, but come on, holidays are awesome. Any month that incorporates one I can support (except February. Fuck you, February). The days preceding Halloween usually mean a glut of horror movies hitting theaters, but you don't *always* wanna pay 10 bucks for a scare.

With that in mind, here's a few (semi) recent flicks to get you in the spirit of the season, once you've waded through the classics (The Shining, The Exorcist, Halloween, etc). For the sake of brevity, these are all post-2000, but don't short yourself. There was good stuff in the 90s too. And by "good stuff", I just mean Event Horizon.

Watch Only if You're Drinking:

Legion

Paul Bettany is the archangel Michael sent to save the world from a demon apocalypse wrought by God's wrath!

Too yoked to let the world burn!

On second thought, maybe you just shouldn't watch this. It's preposterous. But it features a couple of decent chills, and a surprisingly bad-ass angel fight at the climax. Those wings, ya'll. Serious weapons.

The Hitcher

Sean Bean is Jon Ryder, a hitch-hiker with plans to ruin your day.

Fucking Borimir.

My friend Evan and I saw this movie when it came out expressly to find out whether one of the unfortunate kids who offers Jon Ryder a ride actually gets ripped apart by two semi trucks. SPOILER: He does! Skip this one too.

Others Worth Considering: Wrong Turn, The Ammityville Horror (Ryan Reynolds edition), The Messengers, Pulse

Medium Speed Horror (not that scary, but still worth your time):

30 Days of Night

Josh Hartnett saves an isolated Alaskan town from some surly-ass vampires.

Not your run of the mill Sunnydale types.

Actually, he less saves the town and more murders all the baddies, but just the same- I love 30 Days of Night. It's almost more a thriller than a horror movie, but the vampires default it into the latter category. It's based on a graphic novel, and my understanding is the fans were less than wild about the cinematic interpretation. But if you're like me, without a standing "the book is better" bias, I think you'll be satisfied. Vampires in a town with no sun for a month! Consider it.

Constantine

Keanu Reeves exorcises a lady's demons and saves the world!

Also, he looks into Hell using a cat.

Another from the "only kinda horror" category, Constantine plays to the same crowd as Legion, and plays much, much better. Alan Moore, creator of the original comic book character, hated this movie so much he insisted his name be removed from it entirely. A little harsh, but that's what you get with walking punchline Keanu Reeves as your titular anti-hero. This is worth a Tuesday a night on the couch.

Others Worth Considering: Halloween (the Rob Zombie edition), The Last Exorcism, Saw I, Saw II, The House of the Devil, Quarantine

Excellent, But Too Self Aware to Really Scare:

The Cabin in the Woods

Kristen Connolly and friends have a bad time in the forest.

I was hoping for the Merman, too.

Mmm. Whedon stuff. If you've seen The Cabin in the Woods, you know what it brings to the table. If you haven't, I don't want to say anything that will ruin a truly unique take on horror cinema. But it's excellent, and you need to see it. Right now.

Drag Me to Hell

Alison Loman learns not to piss of gypsies *the hard way*!

It's a really bad idea.

Drag Me to Hell is horror/comedy at it's finest, delivered by genre master Sam Raimi. It's got all the charm of the Evil Dead series, coupled with a drastically higher budget and 30 years of directorial polish. It's hard to make a movie that's both genuinely scary and genuinely funny. Drag Me to Hell pulls it off.

Others Worth Considering: Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil, House of 1000 Corpses, Dawn of the Dead

Actually Scary, Only Kinda Good:

The Fourth Kind

Milla Jovavich gets real with some aliens!

Yep.

The Fourth Kind had one of the scariest trailers I've ever seen. Yes, the "true story" part is apparently total horseshit, but watch that! Freaky, right?! The movie's only sort of good, but there's some chilling stuff in there. Recomended for more advanced users.

The Hills Have Eyes

...actually there's no one person famous enough to be noted here. Mutants attack a family in the desert!

At least he's having fun.

There you are, torture porn! You had to show up on this list somewhere. Of all the hyper violent, mostly shitty mid-2000s horror movies, The Hills Have Eyes is far and away the best. But it is really, really violent. Avoid it if that's not your bag. If you've got the stomach for it, strap in. You'll find yourself hungry for revenge against these mutant bastards, and you will be (baby spoiler) satisfied.

Others Worth Considering: Sinister, Paranormal Activity

Really Damn Scary Horror Movies:

Finally, the good stuff! These last few are the genuine article, best enjoyed not alone. These are the true Halloween warm ups.

Insidious

Patrick Wilson deals with hereditary ghost problems.

This kind.

I've made it clear that I'm a fan of James Wan here before. Insidious doesn't pack quite as much punch as this summer's The Conjuring, but it's a fine piece of horror film making. Steadily eerie, intermittently terrifying, not a ghost story you've heard a million times before. That Netflix took it down before Halloween is fucking criminal.

The Orphanage (El Orfanato)

The gold standard of modern horror. I can't even make jokes about it.

*Shudders*

The Orphanage is the best horror movie since 2000, possibly since The Silence of the Lambs. It's Spanish language, so you'll have to deal with subtitles, but it is *worth it*. Full on terrifying, with the weight of a great story behind it. Scary, sad, hopeful, beautiful. Treat yourself. 

Others Worth Considering: In this category? You could make a case for The Ring. That's really about it.

Rush: Ladies and Cars

Rush is a movie of rich ingredients. Fast cars, daring men, beautiful women, a story driven by the fire of competition and designed to inspire--the recipe is powerful. With Ron Howard at the helm, the end product is both flashy and easily digested, but is it good? 3 days later, I'm still having a hard time with that question. It isn't *bad*, it just isn't all that interesting. Watching Rush is to movies as eating at the Cheese Cake is to food.

Cheese Cake. I should maybe not write these before lunch.

I don't mean to imply you won't like this movie. You will, if you have eyes. Howard spins out the story of James Hunt and Nikki LAUDA (I love saying that name. Say it. With emphasis. It's fun.), a pair of Formula One drivers whose rivalry peaked spectacularly during the 1976 season, in a deeply entertaining flurry of race montages and Olivia Wilde doing Olivia Wilde things.

Pictured: Olivia Wilde Things

The source material for Rush was built for the big screen (though it was manipulated slightly). Read up on it if you don't want to see the movie; it's a hell of a story. Howard does a fine job with said material, and he makes it look real, real pretty in the process. It's going to make a lot of money, and it deserves to. I just can't help but feel it's a little over-distilled. 

It's that distilling that makes Rush feel a little hamfisted at times. The rivalry between Hunt and Lauda is set up as a black/white dichotomy; the hard living, ever daring Hunt against the robotic Lauda. The message, that both men could stand to learn from the other in their respective pursuits of greatness, is made ABUNDANTLY clear. If you somehow miss that during the 90 minutes of Hunt slamming brews/Lauda obsession over the mechanical details of his car, don't worry! Lauda and Hunt have a conversation discussing (SPOILERS, sort of) that exact point in the movie's closing minutes. Ron Howard does not trust you to interpret nuance.

A quick warning, because I hate getting pump-faked by trailers: while all the hype for Rush suggest it's the story of James Hunt (which is totally understandable; Hunt is played by Thor, while Lauda is played by this guy), it's really more Nikki Lauda's story. And it should be. Put mildly, Lauda goes through some shit. Just understand you may not get quite as much Hemsworth as you want.

Ugh. Why is it still two weeks until Machete Kills comes out?

Directed By: Ron Howard

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Daniel Bruhl, Olivia Wilde, this lovely lady whom I have not heard of previously.

You Should see it if: You like cars, boobs, inspiring drama, or all of the above.