Thursday, October 3, 2013

October(Horror)Fest!

Oh man. I love October. I acknowledge I'm probably more into getting festive than your average straight 29 year-old male, but come on, holidays are awesome. Any month that incorporates one I can support (except February. Fuck you, February). The days preceding Halloween usually mean a glut of horror movies hitting theaters, but you don't *always* wanna pay 10 bucks for a scare.

With that in mind, here's a few (semi) recent flicks to get you in the spirit of the season, once you've waded through the classics (The Shining, The Exorcist, Halloween, etc). For the sake of brevity, these are all post-2000, but don't short yourself. There was good stuff in the 90s too. And by "good stuff", I just mean Event Horizon.

Watch Only if You're Drinking:

Legion

Paul Bettany is the archangel Michael sent to save the world from a demon apocalypse wrought by God's wrath!

Too yoked to let the world burn!

On second thought, maybe you just shouldn't watch this. It's preposterous. But it features a couple of decent chills, and a surprisingly bad-ass angel fight at the climax. Those wings, ya'll. Serious weapons.

The Hitcher

Sean Bean is Jon Ryder, a hitch-hiker with plans to ruin your day.

Fucking Borimir.

My friend Evan and I saw this movie when it came out expressly to find out whether one of the unfortunate kids who offers Jon Ryder a ride actually gets ripped apart by two semi trucks. SPOILER: He does! Skip this one too.

Others Worth Considering: Wrong Turn, The Ammityville Horror (Ryan Reynolds edition), The Messengers, Pulse

Medium Speed Horror (not that scary, but still worth your time):


Josh Hartnett saves an isolated Alaskan town from some surly-ass vampires.


Not your run of the mill Sunnydale types.

Actually, he less saves the town and more murders all the baddies, but just the same- I love 30 Days of Night. It's almost more a thriller than a horror movie, but the vampires default it into the latter category. It's based on a graphic novel, and my understanding is the fans were less than wild about the cinematic interpretation. But if you're like me, without a standing "the book is better" bias, I think you'll be satisfied. Vampires in a town with no sun for a month! Consider it.


Keanu Reeves exorcises a lady's demons and saves the world!

Also, he looks into Hell using a cat.

Another from the "only kinda horror" category, Constantine plays to the same crowd as Legion, and plays much, much better. Alan Moore, creator of the original comic book character, hated this movie so much he insisted his name be removed from it entirely. A little harsh, but that's what you get with walking punchline Keanu Reeves as your titular anti-hero. This is worth a Tuesday a night on the couch.

Others Worth Considering: Halloween (the Rob Zombie edition), The Last Exorcism, Saw I, Saw II, The House of the Devil, Quarantine

Excellent, But Too Self Aware to Really Scare:


Kristen Connolly and friends have a bad time in the forest.

I was hoping for the Merman, too.

Mmm. Whedon stuff. If you've seen The Cabin in the Woods, you know what it brings to the table. If you haven't, I don't want to say anything that will ruin a truly unique take on horror cinema. But it's excellent, and you need to see it. Right now.


Alison Loman learns not to piss of gypsies *the hard way*!


It's a really bad idea.

Drag Me to Hell is horror/comedy at it's finest, delivered by genre master Sam Raimi. It's got all the charm of the Evil Dead series, coupled with a drastically higher budget and 30 years of directorial polish. It's hard to make a movie that's both genuinely scary and genuinely funny. Drag Me to Hell pulls it off.

Others Worth Considering: Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil, House of 1000 Corpses, Dawn of the Dead

Actually Scary, Only Kinda Good:


Milla Jovavich gets real with some aliens!

Yep.

The Fourth Kind had one of the scariest trailers I've ever seen. Yes, the "true story" part is apparently total horseshit, but watch that! Freaky, right?! The movie's only sort of good, but there's some chilling stuff in there. Recomended for more advanced users.


...actually there's no one person famous enough to be noted here. Mutants attack a family in the desert!

At least he's having fun.

There you are, torture porn! You had to show up on this list somewhere. Of all the hyper violent, mostly shitty mid-2000s horror movies, The Hills Have Eyes is far and away the best. But it is really, really violent. Avoid it if that's not your bag. If you've got the stomach for it, strap in. You'll find yourself hungry for revenge against these mutant bastards, and you will be (baby spoiler) satisfied.

Others Worth Considering: Sinister, Paranormal Activity

Really Damn Scary Horror Movies:

Finally, the good stuff! These last few are the genuine article, best enjoyed not alone. These are the true Halloween warm ups.

Insidious

Patrick Wilson deals with hereditary ghost problems.

This kind.

I've made it clear that I'm a fan of James Wan here before. Insidious doesn't pack quite as much punch as this summer's The Conjuring, but it's a fine piece of horror film making. Steadily eerie, intermittently terrifying, not a ghost story you've heard a million times before. That Netflix took it down before Halloween is fucking criminal.

The Orphanage (El Orfanato)

The gold standard of modern horror. I can't even make jokes about it.

*Shudders*

The Orphanage is the best horror movie since 2000, possibly since The Silence of the Lambs. It's Spanish language, so you'll have to deal with subtitles, but it is *worth it*. Full on terrifying, with the weight of a great story behind it. Scary, sad, hopeful, beautiful. Treat yourself. 

Others Worth Considering: In this category? You could make a case for The Ring. That's really about it.







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