Machete Kills: Not an Actual Movie

Developing a high tolerance for nonsense movies will improve your life. If you can find the rowdy, visceral joy in cinematic dumpster fires, your entertainment options expand drastically. This is a position I hold firm to, and while it has cost me significant amounts of money through the years (paid good American dollars to see Shutter in theaters), I have seen, and greatly enjoyed, many, many bad movies. So when I tell you that Machete Kills is a borderline unwatchable fuck-fest, you should trust me.

Or you could just let this poster tell you everything you need to know.

Machete Kills is the follow-up to 2010's Machete, a blood stained, sex laden romp through the issues (immigration, cartel activity) that currently define the U.S./Mexico border. It's an absurdest take on some very serious material, and if you bother to look beneath the epic kills (and there are some *epic kills*) and naked ladies, you'll find a story there. You might even find a message. Machete Kills contains neither of those things.

What it does contain are nearly identical ingredients, which is to say lots of sex and violence. Danny Trejo  returns as the titular federale, tasked with saving the United States from a Mexican mad man named Mendez who has a stolen nuclear warhead pointed at Washington, D.C. In order to do so, Machete must capture and deliver Mendez, played by Demien Bichir, to the U.S. border. His preferred method of doing so is to kill everything in his path. Weapons Machete murders with in Machete Kills include (but are not limited to): a machete, a meat cleaver, a speed boat, a helicopter (twice), a spear gun, and his bare hands. This movie has many weaknesses; a body count is not one of them.

Filling out the LADIES portion of Machete Kills are Michelle Rodriguez, Amber Heard (as I've previously stated, the hottest woman on the g.d. planet), Sofia Vergara, Lady Gaga, and Vanessa Hudgens. More good looking women might be the lone improvement Machete Kills makes on its predecessor, which is hugely disappointing. This is a movie that wants to be a B-movie. It aspires to do no more than entertain on the basest of levels. How do you fuck that up, Robert???

Part of the problem is the run time. Machete Kills overstays it's welcome at 107 minutes. Another significant misstep is the addition of a science fiction element, (Machete Kills Again...In Space! is in development to complete the trilogy) which it totally did not need. Machete's cinematic methods were not sophisticated, but they were highly effective. Machete Kills convolutes the formula set by it's predecessor, careening the joyful absurdity that defined it into a nigh-unwatchable train wreck. It is the hardest of bummers.

I understand why Robert Rodriguez made Machete Kills the way he did. Sequels must try to top their predecessors, and when you're predecessor is the pitch-perfect whirl of action that was Machete, it is going to be hard not to push things too far the second time around. But Machete Kills could have--should have--been much better. The effort was there. The execution wasn't. 

Directed By: Robert Rodriguez

Starring: Danny Trejo, Carlos Estevez, Mel Gibson, Demien Bichir, Michelle Rodriguez, Amber Heard, Sofia Vergara

You Should see it if: You really, reeeeeeeeeeeeally liked Shoot 'Em Up. 

October(Horror)Fest!

Oh man. I love October. I acknowledge I'm probably more into getting festive than your average straight 29 year-old male, but come on, holidays are awesome. Any month that incorporates one I can support (except February. Fuck you, February). The days preceding Halloween usually mean a glut of horror movies hitting theaters, but you don't *always* wanna pay 10 bucks for a scare.

With that in mind, here's a few (semi) recent flicks to get you in the spirit of the season, once you've waded through the classics (The Shining, The Exorcist, Halloween, etc). For the sake of brevity, these are all post-2000, but don't short yourself. There was good stuff in the 90s too. And by "good stuff", I just mean Event Horizon.

Watch Only if You're Drinking:

Legion

Paul Bettany is the archangel Michael sent to save the world from a demon apocalypse wrought by God's wrath!

Too yoked to let the world burn!

On second thought, maybe you just shouldn't watch this. It's preposterous. But it features a couple of decent chills, and a surprisingly bad-ass angel fight at the climax. Those wings, ya'll. Serious weapons.

The Hitcher

Sean Bean is Jon Ryder, a hitch-hiker with plans to ruin your day.

Fucking Borimir.

My friend Evan and I saw this movie when it came out expressly to find out whether one of the unfortunate kids who offers Jon Ryder a ride actually gets ripped apart by two semi trucks. SPOILER: He does! Skip this one too.

Others Worth Considering: Wrong Turn, The Ammityville Horror (Ryan Reynolds edition), The Messengers, Pulse

Medium Speed Horror (not that scary, but still worth your time):

30 Days of Night

Josh Hartnett saves an isolated Alaskan town from some surly-ass vampires.

Not your run of the mill Sunnydale types.

Actually, he less saves the town and more murders all the baddies, but just the same- I love 30 Days of Night. It's almost more a thriller than a horror movie, but the vampires default it into the latter category. It's based on a graphic novel, and my understanding is the fans were less than wild about the cinematic interpretation. But if you're like me, without a standing "the book is better" bias, I think you'll be satisfied. Vampires in a town with no sun for a month! Consider it.

Constantine

Keanu Reeves exorcises a lady's demons and saves the world!

Also, he looks into Hell using a cat.

Another from the "only kinda horror" category, Constantine plays to the same crowd as Legion, and plays much, much better. Alan Moore, creator of the original comic book character, hated this movie so much he insisted his name be removed from it entirely. A little harsh, but that's what you get with walking punchline Keanu Reeves as your titular anti-hero. This is worth a Tuesday a night on the couch.

Others Worth Considering: Halloween (the Rob Zombie edition), The Last Exorcism, Saw I, Saw II, The House of the Devil, Quarantine

Excellent, But Too Self Aware to Really Scare:

The Cabin in the Woods

Kristen Connolly and friends have a bad time in the forest.

I was hoping for the Merman, too.

Mmm. Whedon stuff. If you've seen The Cabin in the Woods, you know what it brings to the table. If you haven't, I don't want to say anything that will ruin a truly unique take on horror cinema. But it's excellent, and you need to see it. Right now.

Drag Me to Hell

Alison Loman learns not to piss of gypsies *the hard way*!

It's a really bad idea.

Drag Me to Hell is horror/comedy at it's finest, delivered by genre master Sam Raimi. It's got all the charm of the Evil Dead series, coupled with a drastically higher budget and 30 years of directorial polish. It's hard to make a movie that's both genuinely scary and genuinely funny. Drag Me to Hell pulls it off.

Others Worth Considering: Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil, House of 1000 Corpses, Dawn of the Dead

Actually Scary, Only Kinda Good:

The Fourth Kind

Milla Jovavich gets real with some aliens!

Yep.

The Fourth Kind had one of the scariest trailers I've ever seen. Yes, the "true story" part is apparently total horseshit, but watch that! Freaky, right?! The movie's only sort of good, but there's some chilling stuff in there. Recomended for more advanced users.

The Hills Have Eyes

...actually there's no one person famous enough to be noted here. Mutants attack a family in the desert!

At least he's having fun.

There you are, torture porn! You had to show up on this list somewhere. Of all the hyper violent, mostly shitty mid-2000s horror movies, The Hills Have Eyes is far and away the best. But it is really, really violent. Avoid it if that's not your bag. If you've got the stomach for it, strap in. You'll find yourself hungry for revenge against these mutant bastards, and you will be (baby spoiler) satisfied.

Others Worth Considering: Sinister, Paranormal Activity

Really Damn Scary Horror Movies:

Finally, the good stuff! These last few are the genuine article, best enjoyed not alone. These are the true Halloween warm ups.

Insidious

Patrick Wilson deals with hereditary ghost problems.

This kind.

I've made it clear that I'm a fan of James Wan here before. Insidious doesn't pack quite as much punch as this summer's The Conjuring, but it's a fine piece of horror film making. Steadily eerie, intermittently terrifying, not a ghost story you've heard a million times before. That Netflix took it down before Halloween is fucking criminal.

The Orphanage (El Orfanato)

The gold standard of modern horror. I can't even make jokes about it.

*Shudders*

The Orphanage is the best horror movie since 2000, possibly since The Silence of the Lambs. It's Spanish language, so you'll have to deal with subtitles, but it is *worth it*. Full on terrifying, with the weight of a great story behind it. Scary, sad, hopeful, beautiful. Treat yourself. 

Others Worth Considering: In this category? You could make a case for The Ring. That's really about it.